The year is 2020 and Oprah Winfrey is president

Oprah Winfrey broke new ground in 2018 at the Golden Globes, when she delivered a stirring acceptance speech that was part sermon, part battle cry and part State of the Union address. Calls for her to run as the next US president were initially dismissed, (mainly by old white men, unable to grasp her power) before an official campaign was mounted in the spring of 2019.

Winfrey, who had only expressed her political preference publicly once before, for Barack Obama, ran as an Independent … WOOOMAN BECAUSE TIIIIIIMESSSS’S UUUPPPPPP!

And here we are today, halfway through 2021, with President Oprah Winfrey ready to give her first televised address. Oh, this is interesting, she’s not sitting in the Oval Office behind the desk, she’s actually on the lounge made famous by Kellyanne Conway. Hang on, Winfrey is now saying, directly to camera, that she is “reclaiming my couch”.

Fair call.

Just a note here, on how Winfrey has redecorated the Oval Office. Gone are the tasteless gold motifs, and abundance of flags, in place of what some reporters have called “Hawaii-meets-harvest” theme.

Lots of palms, wicker furniture and tea light candles, which Oprah told White House reporters, were there so she could “centre” herself by remembering her “spirit” and calling forth “a-ha” moments, also known as passing executive orders.

Attorney General Eckhart Tolle, who is on hand in case Winfrey forgets, has turned the War Room into a meditation space, replete with yoga balls and sage. This act was viewed as tantamount to treason, in the eyes of Secretary of Defence, Dr Phil McGraw, who, according to reports, was heard to yell, “What were you thinkin’?” in congress.

We also note that on the Resolute desk there are Weight Watchers kitchen scales, complete with calculator, so Winfrey can measure her snacks and work out her points, uninterrupted.

There is a portrait in the corner, where the one of noted racist President Jackson used to be, courtesy of the last President. It’s of the late Maya Angelou, and the inscription below reads, “Oh child, you can fly like an eagle, or you can rest in the deep cave of your thoughts, but you can not do both and accomplish your Father’s work.” Which, yeah, seems fitting.

OK. So Winfrey has begun. “My fellow Americans, here is what I know for sure:

“I’m reaching out to you today from the seat of my soul; a place of comfort, great honour, and deep peace, to inform you that Vice President – and the sister I never had, (even though I did have a sister but she was wack) – Gayle King and I snuck into congress at 3am to pass a new bill, the result of which, I must inform you, means … You get full coverage healthcare! And you get full coverage healthcare! And you get full-coverage healthcare!”

Hold on, there’s an old lady coming into view now, she’s trying to hug Winfrey, who has cut her off at the pass and is clasping her hands at a distance. OK, she’s put her arm around her now.

“This, my fellow Americans, is my teacher from the third grade, Mrs Sally Pimble. Mrs Pimble — can somebody get her a tissue? — Mrs Pimble has been a teacher for 60 years, and in 2018 she lost her health care.

“The last President passed a bill – as you all know – calling melanin a “pre-existing condition” and Mrs Pimble, who still lives in Alabama, and teaches, at the age of 80, lost her insurance. Now I know y’all been angry. I’ve been angry! But, I remember what my friend, Madam Secretary Maria Shriver, once told me: you’ve got to use that anger to motivate, not retaliate! And so, I’ve been motivated to do this!”

Oprah is bowing with her arms clasped now, like a Sensei. Classic Oprah. Oh, she’s now holding up her hand. “There is more, for I believe that out of abundance, should flow abundance, so I announce to you all today that I am personally cancelling all student debt. Yes! All $1.5 trillion dollars – GONE!”

“I’m sure you’re all wondering how I did this. I met with the top one percent, yes folks, the richest people in the country, who control half of the wealth of the nation, and let’s just say they had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment’.”

Vice-President Gayle King is now interrupting – “Literally, she got Jesus to come down here and talk them into some tax cuts.”

Vice-President KIng is now being ushered out, quite forcefully, I might add, by the President’s security attache.

“So let us celebrate in style!”

I’m not sure but it looks as if John Travolta is now heading a conga line which includes Patti LaBelle, Elizabeth Gilbert, Tina Turner, an a hologram of Mary Tyler Moore, and the President herself, Oprah Winfrey.

This story Administrator ready to work first appeared on 苏州美甲学校.